In these Old Lavender Trousers

I know what you're looking at people,
What you've got your eyes on I can tell;
It's these dear old lavender trousers,
Wishing you'd a pair like them as well.
My Grandad left them to me
So I could look a toff,
And I said till I was dead,
I would never take them off.

In these old lavender trousers
I've skipp'd and jump'd and skated,
Laughed and wept, Work'd and slept,
And twice been vaccinated.
I've drunk fourale, I've drunk champagne,
Been up the pole and down a drain,
I won the heart of Mary Jane
In these old lavender trousers!

Late last night I toddled in Lipton's
Everybody yelled "Here's someone big!
Who's that in those lavender trousers?
Hen-e-ry the Eighth or Lipton's Pig?"
I ran round the counter quick,
And when I wasn't seen
Down my legs I stow'd some eggs,
And a roll of margarine

In these old lavender trousers.
But soon I did feel shocking!
I turned green, the margarine
Was running down my stocking.
Lipton called a man in blue,
Then all the eggs were hatching too
All the little chicks went "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
In these old lavender trousers.

Once when I was staying in Brighton,
Mashing all the girls on the Prom-what-what!
Dazzling them with my lavender trousers,
Suddenly the girls yell'd out "Great Scot!"
Some old chap was running round wrapp'd
Up in wet seaweed,
Shouting "Dogs, they've pinch'd my togs!"
So like a friend in need,

In these old lavender trousers
Said I, "There's room for two, sir!
Though you're fat, and I'm like that,
I'm sure there's room for you, sir!"
And all the girls began to screech,
For he and I had one leg each,
And arm in arm we toddled up the beach
In these old lavender trousers.

Last year we had a week in Blackpool,
Hadn't got a trunk or a bag, and so
Pack'd the things in the back of my trousers -
I was a walking portmanteau.
When we reach'd the station. oh!
My missus what a brain!
Said "Don't pay for the kid, you jay!
Smuggle him into the train."

In these old lavender trousers
I push'd our little Sammy,
Walk'd right thro', and paid for two -
Me and his dear mammy.
But that kid, when the guard came round,
Got me pinch'd and fin'd a pound,
'Cos he pok'd his head thro' a hole that he had found
In these old lavender trousers.

Once I was a tragedy actor -
Thirty bob a week, and a real big star!
When the limelight shone on these trousers
Ladies in the stalls would faint - Ah, ah!
In the drama "Dirty Dick"
I fairly froze their blood,
Till the lords up in the "gawds"
Started throwing lumps of mud.

In these old lavender trousers
To act I wasn't willin'.
They kicked me on and the limelight shone,
And the heroine said "Vill'in!
Have you no heart for a woman's woe?
No tender feeling at all? No, no!"
Then I rubb'd my patch and I said "What oh!"
In these old lavender trousers.

RP Weston & Harry Bedford