State of Confusion
He appeared a fews days before Christmas. Firstly online, with a new screen name & hotmail address, and the promise of getting a lap-top in the New Year to enable some more communication. We chatted for a bit and he said he'd like to speak later that evening.
I went to bed with no particular expectation, but he rang at around midnight and we talked for nearly an hour. He was staying overnight in a hotel about an hour and a half's drive from here and wanted me to drive over to him. I declined, saying that if I was ever going to do anything as daft as that I needed a little more from him. So, clearly a little put-out, he said goodbye & I went back to sleep. Only to be woken by him having driven here! He left early in the morning, asking me to be patient (!!!) as things are very difficult, but that when he gets his laptop we'll be able to communicate and see how things go from there.
So of course nothing until about two weeks ago when I received this e-mail:
Sorry it's been so long. Hope all is well, think about you daily. Wish that
i could be with you tonight, take care xxxxxxxxxxx
And again I'm in a complete muddle. Of course he's messing me about, but I know it's not deliberate. He believes what he says and what he feels at the time, and he acts on it without concern for the implications and the effect on anyone else. He's an emotional coward, but then who isn't faced with the prospect of hurting your children? My head tells me I should do what my good friend P once told me to do, and stick a note above my front door saying "F O J" (his initial is J - you'll get the rest!) to remind me to never let him over the threshold again. And yet, apart from maybe the vanishing R, he's the only man to have really got to me since my marriage break-up.
He's my imperfect man and until I deal with the whole situation my search for the perfect man is probably doomed.